I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
