Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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