Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize