My underwear smells like fireworks.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
