even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
