are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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