I wish my penis had an off switch
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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