aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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