Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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