the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
