it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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