This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
