i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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