i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
