Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
