Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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