there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Well I just put wine in my tea
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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