I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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