I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
