all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
