Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
