why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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