Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
should my penis look like a turkey
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
