All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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