we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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