I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
