Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
