dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
