I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Randomize
