Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize