It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
