apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
