maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
