apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
