I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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