there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
