So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
