I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
im holly from the hills drunk
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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