and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize