Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
