wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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