If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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