i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
