I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I touched a dick in church today
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