my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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