he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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