Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize