good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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