I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
