I just cut my nipple shaving
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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