It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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