Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
