Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize