I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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