I am in a vortex of obligation.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
