hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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