everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
