Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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