Old men and throwing up are my life now.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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