Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
