Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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