Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
