shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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