Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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