My Higher Power is John Stamos
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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