someone get that fucking seahorse.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
