Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
