We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
