You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
